I was out the other night and overheard a person say to the bartender, “I want that cocktail, but I don’t want it in that girls’ glass.”
This request used to haunt me when I bartended, because I could never wrap my head around why we choose to gender glasses and cocktails—why someone would ask to have their martini served in a bucket glass, or why someone would not choose a beverage they want just because it’s pink. When we decide to filter our drinks through ideas like gender, we limit the world of flavor we get to enjoy, and feed into outdated ideas.
“Every day, someone asks me not to serve their beer in a ‘girly glass,’” said Anna Vetter, one of Reno’s most award-winning bartenders, who splits her time between Beer NV and 40 Mile Saloon. “The glass can be the same size, but because it has a stem, people will ask me not to use it.”
Beer, wine and cocktails all traditionally have proper glasses that correspond with the style of beverage—usually for a reason. Why do you drink a highball out of a Collins glass? Because the longer, thinner style of glass helps hold the carbonation of the cocktail longer. Why do you drink a chilled cocktail out of a martini or coupe? Because the drink has been diluted and chilled to perfection, and the temperature of your hand can change that, so you hold it by the stem. Associating a drink’s glass with anything other than being the right vessel for the right drink keeps people from properly enjoying their beverages and discounts the intentionality of the bartender preparing it.
A few years ago, I was on Conan O’Brien’s podcast, Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend, and he said something surprising: “I like a drink that emasculates me the minute it hits the table. I wish I liked bourbon; bourbon is such a cool drink, of all the drinks you can order as a guy.”
I could fill this article with statistics on how the best-selling beverages in the country are bright, fruit-forward and, most of all, colorful. Having a part of you that yearns for that cosmo while you sip your old fashioned is unfair to yourself. You should be able to try what you want. Listen to that voice, and celebrate what you love. Life is too short, and there are far too many delicious things that are bright and pretty.
Being afraid to try a drink because of its assumed gender based on color or glassware can do more than just limit the flavors you get to enjoy; it can filter other interactions through stereotypes, reinforcing antiquated ways of treating others. And that feeds into larger, more systemic problems.
“These stereotypes reinforce an archaic gender binary, which crudely assumes there are only two genders, and the sex you are assigned at birth automatically ascribes you to that gender,” said Amie Ward, executive director of Safe Bars, a national nonprofit whose mission is to prevent sexual harassment and assault, and create safe, welcoming, alcohol-serving hospitality spaces.
“People that ascribe to the gendered binary way of thinking make assumptions about a person’s gender when they see them, and often misgender people,” Ward said.
Misgendering someone involves the use of incorrect pronouns; it can not only be offensive, but detrimental to that person’s mental health.
“Traditional stereotypes breed aggressors who view their targets as ‘less than’ or lower than them on the social hierarchy,” Ward said. Of course, targets of assault or aggression are predominantly women, nonbinary folks and those in the LGBTQ+ community.
Ward is by no means saying that declining to order a lavender martini because you feel it is “girly” is likely to lead to violence—but our choices, especially the ones we are vocal about, can create a toxic atmosphere. Misgendering people and relying on restrictive gender stereotypes are sometimes only a few steps away from otherizing behavior, aggression or even assault.
Bartenders, around 60 percent of whom in the U.S. are women, are running into the same gender dynamics in how guests treat them. It is unfortunately common to have guests assume feminine-presenting people are not as capable as their masculine-presenting co-workers.
“Because we are working for tips, many people feel like they cannot say or do anything to stop the cruddy behavior,” Ward said. “The subminimum tipped wage has resulted in persistent gender and racial wage gaps, forcing an industry that is largely women—and disproportionately women of color—to tolerate inappropriate behavior, because their income is so dependent on tips.”
Said Vetter: “As far as we have come, we still have to have a thick skin.”
Bars should be places to come together, be ourselves and drink what we want, with people who make us feel good. When we limit that experience with preconceived notions and clichés, we take a big piece of what makes bars great out of the equation. Raise whatever drink makes you happy, and cheers to safer bars free from nonsensical stereotypes.
To find out more about Safe Bars and its active bystander intervention, de-escalation and allyship strategies, visit www.safebars.org.
Impressive and honest calling out of gender misogyny. 👏