A scene from Five Nights at Freddy's.

Five Nights at Freddy’s is both streaming on Peacock and making big box office in a wide theatrical release—and I opted to stay home and watch. This was a wise choice, because this piece of shit isn’t worth the gas I would have burned driving to the neighborhood movie theater.

Based on a series of video games and set in the early ’90s, Five Nights at Freddy’s stars Josh Hutcherson as Mike, a depressed guy raising his sister, Abby (Piper Rubio). Mike has a bad history; he witnessed the abduction of his younger brother, an event that has permanently scarred him. He has a hard time getting jobs but manages to score a security gig at an abandoned pizza place/arcade reminiscent of Chuck E. Cheese.

The bombed-out arcade is inhabited by menacing animatronics—and it turns out they are murderous creatures, although he lets his little sister hang out with them for a little bit before eventually doing battle with them, PG-13 style.

Director Emma Tammi somehow manages to make it all thoroughly depressing. I suppose there’s a potential for some good, nasty fun here, but Tammi makes it all very drab and somber. The movie never comes to life, and nothing in it makes a lick of sense.

Nicolas Cage starred in a movie called Willy’s Wonderland (2021) that was also inspired by the same game. That wasn’t one of Cage’s best, but at least it had some life to it, along with some attempts at humor.

Five Nights at Freddy’s, on the other hand, may make you quit movies about video games—and perhaps videogames all together.

Five Nights at Freddy’s is in theaters and streaming on Peacock.

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  1. Bro has no idea what he’s talking about, it’s a solid 9/10 fnaf movie. It’s about the lore of the game, not horror

  2. Look I’m not going to rag on you for this shallow review, but the Five Nights at Freddy’s movie has proven by audience success that it as a film media has its own legs to stand on, and even out shines some of its contemporaries, is it a good in the traditional senses of film no not at all it fails many account pacing and tone shift being the biggest but as its success has shown perhaps a second viewing or third might find the enjoyment of just watching it because if your looking at just the faults of the movie you miss the diamonds in the rough, or not after all this movie most certainly is not made for everyone.

  3. This is such a terrible review, you barely gave any argument as to what was wrong with the film. But in all honesty it really isn’t bad, maybe you just want a comedy? I mean that seemed like that’s what you wanted throughout this entire “review” (only a shameful couple paragraphs mostly just explaining the plot, then at the end just saying it wasn’t funny). Like seriously this is the worst review I’ve ever seen…

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