These days, people don’t raise an eyebrow over a
second, third or even fourth marriage. Even though it didn’t work
out the first time, we retain this ability to pick ourselves up, bump
into someone else, and fall in love all over again. There are benefits
to the second time around: You already know what to expect, for the
most part. You may be older and more financially stable, and you
distinctly recall that your mother will loudly snuffle throughout the
ceremony. Although remarriage has become commonplace, even seasoned
brides and grooms find themselves asking if a second wedding requires a
different protocol than the first.
From the adjustment of newly blended families to distant family
members who call your newly betrothed by your ex’s name, knowing
some second-wedding etiquette can save you from squabbles and
embarrassment. While you have a second chance to create the perfect
wedding, there are a few do’s and don’ts that will
eliminate the ruffling of sensitive feathers.
From the registry to the white
dress
The most common question in remarriage relates to registering.
Should a couple entering their second marriage register for gifts?
Etiquette expert Sharon Naylor clarifies this potentially prickly issue
in The Essential Guide to Wedding Etiquette: “Guests would
rather have you registered than try to guess your style, color schemes
in your home, or preferences.”
While it is acceptable to register, gifts are not mandatory for a
second wedding. Similarly, parents are not expected to foot the bill
for a second wedding. Generally, the bride and groom split the cost,
which might explain why eloping has become a popular alternative to
hosting a large, social soiree.
Whether to wear a white dress for a second wedding is also an
etiquette concern. In the past, it was only socially acceptable for the
bride to wear white for her first wedding, but today, anything goes. An
employee at Marchele’s Bridal Boutique laughingly recounted a
wedding with dogs walking down the aisle.
However, some say that a previously married woman should not wear a
veil over her face, as it represents virginity. (Then again, how many
brides today are virgins when they walk down the aisle for even the
first time?) The white dress, on the other hand, represents joy, not
purity. Vilma Rosas at La Milagrosa Bridal agrees that times have
changed. “It’s not like it was before,” she muses.
“People wear red, colors, they wear a veil, or they don’t.
What’s important is the willingness to get married, el
amor.”
Pick any color of the rainbow for your dress, but make sure
it’s a different dress from the one that you wore at your first
wedding. Any previous engagement or wedding rings should no longer be
worn. Don’t use the same location to tie the knot as the first
one. Also, you probably don’t want to use the same readings and
speeches that you used before. Regarding apparel, accessories and
orations, it’s fairly straightforward: Change it up.
If it feels right, do it
You might want to change your guest list, too. This doesn’t
have to be hard. Friends change and move throughout time, so you
probably won’t have the exact same group of people at your second
wedding. Etiquette experts agree that if there are children from the
former unions, they should be the first to know when their parents
decide to remarry. Many times, children can be included in the wedding
ceremony if it feels right to them. If the children are very young, it
is acceptible for the spouse from the previous marriage to attend the
wedding. If the children are older, ex spouses and in laws are
generally not invited to the wedding ceremony—although, again,
it’s the couple’s decision.
The majority of couples who previously have been married do it again
in a civil ceremony, while others wish to have a religious wedding.
Some faiths do not allow a second religious ceremony except in specific
cases or under the stipulation that the previous marriage be annulled.
If you would like a religious marriage, consult your priest or clergy
member regarding your situation.
The most important thing to remember is: Use your intuition.
Everyone’s situation is different. If it feels right, do it.
“Every wedding is a celebration,” writes Julie
Weingarden Dubin in her book, How to Plan an Elegant Wedding.
“It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve worn a fancy
white dress. You and your groom are marrying each other!”