Many children throughout the United States are taught to
create wish lists to manifest their greed during the most sacred
Christian time of Christmas. Most of these wishes have little to do
with a parent’s actual ability to provide the toy—without
losing the roof over said child’s head.
Adults, too, are taught to make unrealistic “wish lists”
(a.k.a. New Year’s resolutions) around this time of year. Sure,
it’d be great to lose 45 pounds, get our financial affairs in
order, and volunteer more of our time, but let’s keep it real.
Isn’t it more fun to demand changes in the lives of others?
So, with both our knee-jerk complaint on the hypocrisy of Christmas
and our attack on the basic nature of humanity out of the way,
here—in no particular order— is our combination Christmas
wish list/New Year’s resolutions for others.
TO THE POD PEOPLE: Please return our governor. And if
you’ve seen Dean Heller, could you send him our way, too?
TO THE REGIONAL TRANSPORTATION COMMISSION: Please resolve to
synchronize the traffic lights, make some of the four-way stops
four-way yields, and examine the utility of every single stop sign in
this city.
TO THE RENO CITY COUNCIL: Please resolve to come up with a
workable plan for snow removal and maintenance that allows seniors, the
physically challenged, and the average person to use our streets after
a medium to large snowfall.
TO THAT ONE GUY ON LAKE STREET: Please resolve to stop
speeding and texting.
TO THE U.S. CONGRESS: Please resolve to pass a health-care reform
law that includes a robust public option. While you’re at it,
please resolve to pass meaningful immigration reform, Social Security
reform, simplify the tax laws, stop global warming, stop lying, stop
having illicit sexual affairs, stop promoting U.S. hatred around the
world, end the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, stop taking money from
lobbyists, close Guantanamo Bay, reenact Glass-Steagall, legalize gay
marriage, legalize and regulate marijuana use, pass an education
stimulus package for children, pass an equal pay law … hold on,
we’ll come up with some more stuff by Jan. 2.
TO THE BURNERS: Please resolve to shut up about your theme
camp until one month before Burning Man. Or better yet, please resolve
to create art 360 days a year in the default world.
TO THE RENO GAZETTE-JOURNAL: Please resolve to survive this
downturn as a seven-days-a-week daily newspaper by improving quality.
This will include hiring back some of the reporters you put on the
street and increasing the local news hole by eliminating Associated
Press stories we’ve already read on the web.
TO PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: Please resolve to walk it like you
talk it.
TO JIM CARREY, ADAM SANDLER, EDDIE MURPHY: Please resolve to
be funny again.
TO THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY: Please resolve to close down your
offices on Wall Street.
TO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY: Please resolve to ask Joe Lieberman
to stop being a little bitch. And please resolve to come up with some
ideas to make your party a viable alternative to these idiot Democrats
on the Hill.
TO THE READERS OF THE RENO NEWS & REVIEW: Please resolve
to be healthy, happy and sane for all 365 days of 2010, and please
resolve to pick up our little newsweekly every week. Happy New
Year!