The following is but a smattering of the films coming your way over the next few months during what is known as the Summer Movie Season. It’s packed with blockbuster wannabes!
Mark your calendars, and do your budget planning. Moviegoing is a pricey venture, and some things will need to be sacrificed if you wish to take your family of five to an IMAX screening. My vote: Let the landscaping go for a couple of weeks. Go ahead and piss off the members of your HOA for the chance to see Matt Damon’s butt taking up 40 feet of screen space!
Star Wars: The Mandalorian and Grogu (May 22): Can director Jon Favreau return the Star Wars franchise to its state of former glory? The only thing Star Wars I’ve found fascinating in the last couple of years is Jenny Nicholson’s YouTube takedown of the Galactic Starcruiser hotel experience.
I still have a bad taste in my mouth after The Rise of Skywalker, but there were flashes of The Mandalorian TV show I enjoyed, and maybe Baby Yoda (nuts to calling him Grogu … he’s Baby Yoda!) can get us Star Wars geeks back in line.
Pressure (May 29): This here would be your chance to see Brendan Fraser, aka George of the Jungle, play Dwight Eisenhower.
Masters of the Universe (June 5): This update of He-Man stars Jared Leto, aka Box Office Poison, as Skeletor. It also has Nicholas Galitzine (as He-Man), Alison Brie and Idris Elba, so maybe they will overcome the curse of Leto.
Scary Movie (June 5): This spoof franchise returns to the Wayans brothers. My problem with this is that I think the franchise got funnier after they lost it.
Disclosure Day (June 12): It’s Steven Spielberg, and he’s a cinema god, and the chance to see him deal with extra-terrestrials again looked good on paper. But, man, Emily Blunt doing those clicky-clucky noises in the movie’s trailer is so fucking annoying. I will walk into this movie already really hating a pivotal part of it.
Toy Story 5 (June 19): We were led to believe that 3 was the last one, and then there were 4. Now, behold, 5! The story of Buzz and Woody will never end. Tim Allen will be rich forever despite being a big dumb dick.
Jackass: Best and Last (June 26): We were led to believe it would end with 3, but behold, there was a 4th. And now there shall be a 5th! Granted, I do believe this will be the last one, because Johnny Knoxville’s dick is holding on by a thread at this point. If they make a 6th, and that is, indeed, the chapter where his dick finally falls off, I will pay to see that. I’m weird that way. I think this will have a sort-of greatest-hits approach to go with some new stunts, and it will test my patience with Jackass.
Supergirl (June 26): Producer James Gunn’s efforts to kick Marvel’s ass while leading DC continues with Milly Alcock playing the title character, and Krypto the dog returning. Craig Gillespie (I, Tonya) directs. Interesting choice.
Young Washington (July 3): The big Fourth of July weekend movie this year appears to be about the dude on the $1 bill.
Evil Dead Burn (July 10): And the franchise lives on. No Bruce Campbell, though. He’s long gone.
Moana (July 10): It appears that Disney animated movies are now nothing but storyboards for the inevitable live-action version. The original Moana is only 10 years old. They even have Dwayne Johnson playing a live version of his cartoon character. This is just silly.
The Odyssey (July 17): Christopher Nolan’s latest, starring Matt Damon, is filmed entirely using IMAX technology, so the people who wait for streaming will need big TVs to get the full scope. Zendaya is in this one, as the Year of the Zendaya continues. The actress will appear in a total of 795 films this year, giving Pedro Pascal a run for his money.
Spider-Man: Brand New Day (July 31): Tom Holland returns to the role that made him, well, Spider-Man, obviously. Zendaya returns, too, just two weeks after appearing in the movie just above this one in this preview. YEAR OF THE ZENDAYA!
Ice Cream Man (Aug. 7): Horror-film maestro Eli Roth returns to the genre after his big-budget Borderlands bombed.
Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma (Aug. 7): This film, about a slasher-film director getting herself into a major dilemma, was a big hit at Cannes, so you have at least one art film to look forward to this summer.
Union County (Aug. 14): Will Poulter is getting a lot of buzz for his performance in this one, about the opioid crisis.
The End of Oak Street (Aug. 14): This comes to us from writer director David Robert Mitchell, director of It Follows. He’s been resting since everybody got confused by his Under the Silver Lake. This one, starring Anne Hathaway and Ewan McGregor, looks absolutely nuts.
Coyote vs. Acme (Aug. 28): This is the combo live action/animated film that Warner Bros. wrote off for tax purposes a couple of years ago. After many protests from star Will Forte, he gets his wish, and it now has a theatrical release date. Is Batgirl next?
The Dog Stars (Aug. 28): A Ridley Scott apocalypse movie! He’s 195 years old and still pumping them out!
Cliffhanger (Aug. 28): The end of summer used to mean we’d get a Sylvester Stallone movie. Now, apparently, it is the time for Sylvester Stallone reboots. Sly was supposed to be in it, but now it’s just Lily James hanging from rocks.
Practical Magic 2 (Sept. 11): Hey, kids, let’s end the summer with a sequel that absolutely nobody was asking for. Both Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock return in an effort to make a movie that sucked ass into a franchise. Hooray!