Recently, I was called a “liberal crackpot” by a reader. I must report that my feelings were slightly hurt, because while I’m certainly aware that my stances, thoughts and political affiliations usually lie to the left of center, and, in some cases, to the left of the left field foul pole, I’m also compelled to reveal that most of the time, I don’t really consider myself “liberal” as much as I think of myself as “reasonable.” Here, check it out:
Social Security—is nice. It doesn’t need to be screwed with. Don’t muck it up. And for God’s sake, don’t ever bring up that idiocy floated by W (remember him?) a few years ago about letting those pirates on Wall Street get their hands on people’s S.S. accounts.
Medicare—also nice. Don’t muck this up, either. In fact, go ahead and lower the entry level to my age.
Environment—Don’t throw your crap in the river. Or the ocean. Or spew it into the sky. And if you make a mess, clean it up. Like a big boy.
Women’s rights—if you have a male employee doing a job for $20 an hour, and he quits, and you hire a woman to take his place, this new female employee should also be paid $20 an hour. Or am I being a feminazi?
Climate change—Like you, I don’t know much about climate change. Some days are hot, some days are cold. But when 95 percent of the brainiacs who actually study climate data say that (a) the world is getting warmer, and (b) the activities of humanity are responsible, I feel reasonable in assuming that they’re probably giving me an accurate picture of reality.
National health care—Most every civilized country in the world has a functioning national health care system. I’d like my country to be civilized, too. Especially when you consider … the number of people made bankrupt by health emergencies in Switzerland annually—0. The number of people made bankrupt by health emergencies in the USA every year—750,000. I don’t feel liberal, bizarre or Marxist in wanting to be like Switzerland. No, I just feel like a decent guy.
Gun control—I don’t mind you having a handgun or four or a shotgun or rifle. I don’t. But I’m not real crazy about you having an AK-47 or a grenade launcher. If you want that stuff, move to Somalia and become a warlord. Better yet, buy a soft core flick showing bikini babes with bazookas blowin up buses and stuff. You’ll feel better.
Gay rights—I’ll quote the eminently reasonable Clint Eastwood, who recently said “Why do I give a fuck who marries anyone else?”
Taxes—In the last two years of the Clinton Administration, the federal government finished in the black. Imagine that. Seems almost like a science fiction short story. Given the recent financial performance in Washington, it seems reasonable to say, “Hey. Let’s do what they did back then.” You know, WTF. As I recall, rich people in ’98 weren’t forced to take a second job selling smokes at the mini mart to remain rich.