After reading that column a few weeks back about advice I want to give to my daughter when she reaches her inevitable, insufferable “know-it-all” stage, I realized that, while her know-it-all years have yet to arrive, mine are blazing in full-tilt boogie mode. I’ve become a veritable Mount St. Helens of paternal advice, ready to bombard the poor child with a torrent of flaming tips and gaseous guidance at a moment’s notice. In fact, I don’t even need notice. I’m quite happy to let fly with an eruption of parental advisories without her having to go through the embarrassing hassle of actually asking for it. Lucky kid.
So, here’s part two of advice for the 18-year-old Catie (she’s currently 12) that will help make her time on Earth one long, extended romp through the tulips.
1. For God’s sake, honey, take care of your teeth. You see how cruel we are to overweight people in this country. To the dentally goofy, gaping and filmy, we’re even worse.
2. Buy, don’t rent. ’Tis better to live in a scummy house/condo and pay your own mortgage every month than it is to rent a scummy house/apartment and pay somebody else’s.
3. Get a terrific, high-paying job so you don’t have to hit up yer old dad for the down payment on the scummy house.
4. Stay away from all jobs where there is wearing of bulletproof vests.
5. Stay away from all jobs where G-strings are considered acceptable work outfits.
6. Stay away from all jobs where there is even the slightest chance you’ll be asked to hose out a booth.
7. Learn the difference between Love and Lust. This is important. Note the time he leaves the next day after he sleeps with you. If he leaves by 6 a.m. or earlier, forget it. Let him slink off into the darkness from whence he came. If he leaves between 6 a.m. and 7 a.m., he’ll ask for your phone number, but don’t worry. He won’t call. If he leaves between 7 a.m. and 9 a.m., he’ll call again, and I can tell you exactly when—the next time he’s got a horn-on.
If he leaves between 9 a.m. and 10 a.m., he’s probably not all that interested, just a late sleeper. If he stays until between 10 a.m. and noon, he likes you and will be calling soon for a date. Something may be bubbling. If he stays anywhere from noon to 5 p.m., Love has just walked into the room. Welcome to ga-ga land. If he stays until the following morning, hang on. It’s that super-juicy, voodoo-enhanced Love/Lust deluxe combo, the really powerful kind that makes you feel equal amounts of enchantment or nausea, depending on how things are going at any given minute. Strap on ye olde crash helmet, and enjoy the ride.
8. Forget about Q-tips as ear-cleaning tools. Generally, they just push junk further in. What works really good is the cap on a cheap Bic pen. Sterilize first with your bong torch.